Apparently some part of me thinks bleaching the hell out of every possible surface ‘helps’…because I have no idea what I’ve done today, but I’m out of bleach & even my garage FLOOR has been scrubbed down with bleach.(And I keep at least 4-5 gallons of bleach on hand at all times. That’s a whole ‘nother story, though.)
Being as I am the most stubborn creature on the face of the planet, Thurs-Sat of this week I’m going to attempt to do a few shows at Columbus Gold in Columbus, OH.
I know it is a pretty terrible/not smart thing to do…but I’ve gotta try one more time. No, I still can’t even wear a ‘real’ shoe, so whatever thought process I use to go ‘yeah, totally try to dance!’ is probably really, really dumb.
After that booking there will be a couple days of nothingness, & I’ll descend into PTSD/trigger madness the middle of next week. Please excuse this descent in advance & accept my apologies, etc., etc..
Hey, who else tells you in advance that they’re going to go totally batshit & is 100% serious about it? That’s how much I love all of y’all, I’ll warn you way, way ahead of time.
Go ahead & give in & take the damn Valium like your doctors have instructed you to do. If nothing else, you will be too ‘meh’ to be a total neurotic mess for a few hours.
Yes I fight about taking anti-anxiety meds, no matter how badly I ‘need’ them. Taking them makes me feel like a failure because I can’t deal with my anxiety once it goes above a certain ‘level’ on my own.
If I post some really weird shit today…please blame the 60mg of Valium, ok? (And yes, my prescription is to take anywhere between 10-60mg a day…I’m a freak of nature.)
Can we trigger warning this? Maybe? ‘Cause it is triggering as fuck, especially for people that have been stalked, gaslighted, & similar things, along with the obvious trigger warning for talk of sexual assault.
This is Fernando Faria, a student at Lehigh University and a misogynistic predator. I met him one night while at a frat party with my girlfriend. He first attempted to get just me to go to his dorm with him to smoke weed, when I refused and walked away, he tried to take advantage of my incredibly inebriated girlfriend and tried leading her away from myself and our two other friends. He then tried getting her number, but was given mine instead. When he texted me, a week later, he made up a story about meeting me somewhere else in an attempt to make me forget who he was/what he did. However, one of the friends I was with recognized the picture he sent when I said I didn’t know him/didn’t remember meeting him/wasn’t at the place he said he met me on the day he met me. After referring to my girlfriend as my girlfriend, he continued to call her my “friend,” “lol” at it and ask if I meant my friend. After I called him out on lying and being a sexual predator, he attempted to deny it was him, called me over 10 times, was an asshole, and then demanded I delete the text log. This is a gentle reminder that people like this exist and it should be brought to attention. Unfortunately, it isn’t until we start publicly calling people out on their behavior will they modify it and other people can feel safe from such individuals.
It surely isn’t anything rational. Honestly, it’s probably because yelling, especially men yelling or being mean is a major trigger for me & I go to one of two extremes when that particular trigger is set off. Extreme fear, to the point of rocking back and forth & hiding in closets for the rest of the day…or extreme anger.
Apparently I was not in the mood to spend the rest of the day in a closet.
By ‘cleaning’ I mean OCD ‘cleaning’. It’s not the same as sweeping the floor & taking out the trash. It’s a ‘move all the furniture to the middle of the room so no dirt can ‘hide’ from me, scrubbing walls & baseboards with a tooth brush’ type situation.
Yes, my OCD gets worse when I am stressed or triggered or freaking out. I guess my ‘mental health day’ yesterday was a bucket full of fail.
When I get triggered, I act in really aggressive ways, and say really awful things to people and like, I still have no idea how to cope with that.
I react to everything triggering by using the defense mechanism that tells me anger is my strength. Anger is my counter to being triggered and my reaction to my having PTSD in the first place.
I either get really, really angry or totally shut down & can’t even speak. Like, sitting in a closet tears streaming down my face, but unable to make any words come out. I’m not sure which one is ‘worse’.
HE STILL HAD HIS GUNS. HE STILL HAD GUNS. Even though he wasn’t supposed to.
Because if you have a restraining order nobody will do shit until you’ve been hurt. You can beg them to help you, & they won’t do shit. You can know somebody is going to try & kill you & nobody will help you until it’s too late. If a person doesn’t turn in their firearms when an order of protection is done, nobody goes to that person’s house & takes it away from them. It’s not a ‘priority’.
They just wait. And tell you to wait. And be ‘careful’.
Some girls find that memories of their abuse experience come back with certain smells or sounds, such as when they hear a certain song on the radio or when they are touched in a certain way. These are called “triggers.”
(TW: sexual violence, VAW) One of my clients was molested in the bathtub, and anytime she tried to take a bath after that, it triggered memories of her molestation. Another client could not stand having her lover whisper to her during intimacy because her brother used to whisper and cover her mouth when he abused her.
Dr. Patti Feuereisen & Caroline Pincus. Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse – A Book For Teen Girls, Young Women, and Everyone Who Cares About Them. Avalon Publishing Group, Inc. 2005. (pg. 49)
[general content warning for discussion of triggers, flashbacks]
A recursive trigger or a recursive flashback refers to those moments when one thing reminds you of a certain trigger, which reminds you of another trigger, and so on, forming a feedback loop which repeats itself until you are either exhausted or something intervenes (a planned activity, a helpful friend, a survivor impulse, etc). This is also known as a really bad day for a survivor, as these moments seem to happen when everything else has gone wrong, or when you are already feeling like shit.
Recursive triggers are a normal part of surviving, healing, or whatever you want to call it. It is totally normal and okay to have one of these moments, even if it is about something completely benign. If it reminds you of some of the worst moments of your life then of course it is important, and it should respected as such.
There’s no one set remedy for a recursive trigger. Most of the time a person just needs to be left alone for the day or some extra care. Other times, however, these triggers can be very dangerous. It may help to have some sort of plan in place for this— extremely bad days cannot be planned or predicted.